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last day in jersey.
tonight i’ll be flying to london and tomorrow morning back to cold hannover and to the flat that, even though it’s not really small, feels claustrophobic to me.

now that summer is gone i regret having done everything wrong in germany.
i could have gone out for walks more often. should have taken my camera to eilenriede once more, as it’s just 3 blocks away from out flat. should have left the room, the computer to go out and buy fresh wild mushrooms from the street markets, should have taken photos of the coloured fruit and vegetables stalls, the flowers for sale in artisanal ceramic pots. should have watched more german tv, even if i couldn’t understand a thing, and learnt to swear in goethe’s language, eaten more sauerkraut, seen more, enjoyed more instead of just sleeping-browsing-eating-shopping.

i was too busy complaining about the situation to pay attention to germany and be grateful for the chances it gave me. the business chances to the british boy. the chance to finally bring my cat here. the chance of being able to live in a different country, immerse in another culture that, if not so appealing to me, had so much to teach me; and i feel i’ve learned so little.

but i still have three months. when it will probably be colder than the coldest i have experienced in my life, the snow will cover the streets and roofs, the christmas markets will make me put on weight and my december 25 will be white.
if i can’t be grateful for that, than i’m a professional stupid.
*runs to h&m to stock up on coloured woollen gloves*

yesterday, saying goodbye to the island (that is starting to get ready for winter):

because cats are not vegetarians:

see ya in january/rebruary, island.


because last night i went to bed feeling a bit sad.
because there are certain simple, necessary things that i’ll never have.
things that i will never be allowed to have or be, and maybe will never understand why.

but that was yesterday.

and today is a day to stop searching for answers that just cannot be given. maybe not now. maybe never.
and is a day to simply accept, gratefully, everything i have and everything i am.

so you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do.
you must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.


tagged by bellekitsune
The rules are easy, just post 6 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 6 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in awhile.

1. the adorable old man who sold me vintage doll furniture yesterday, from his shop that opens only 3 hours a day, 3 days a week.
2. seeing my belly disappear.
3. realize that there’s still people around who want me to be part of their lives.
4. receive a lot of YOU Magazine’s old issues in the mail.
5. a glass of sekt.

tagging whoever wants to do it. :)

i’m heavy handed, to say the least.
my mother thinks i’ll be an awful clutcher ‘cus i spill things from stiring them too quickly.
i’m far too loud.
its like, as soon as i’ve got an opinion, it just has to come out.
i laugh at stupid things just cus they tickle me.

and sometimes, sometimes, i wish i was like mariella,
she got some pritt stick and glued her lips together.
so she never had to speak, never had to speak, never had to speak.
people used to say shes as quiet as a mouse, she just doesn’t make a peep.

she marched to her wardrobe and threw away the colour,
because wearing black looks mysterious, but it didn’t impress her mother.
she wanted to dress her baby in patterns and flowers,
but mariella just crossed her arms and so she cried for hours.
my pretty, baby girl
unglue your lips from being together and wear some pink and pearls.
you can have your friends ’round and they can stay for tea.
won’t you just try to fit in please, do this for me.
but mariella just crossed her arms and walked up the stairs
and she went into her bedroom, and she sat on her bed.
and she looked in the mirror and she thought to herself “if i wanna play, i can play with me, if i wanna think, i’ll think in my head.”

at school, mariella didn’t have many friends,
yeah, the girls there, they looked at her and thought she was quite strange.
boys aren’t really into girls at that age.
and the teachers, they thought mariella was just going through a phase.
but mariella just smiled as she skipped down the road
because she knew all the secrets in her world.
yeah, she always got the crossword puzzle right every day
and she could do the alphabet backwards, without making any mistakes.
pretty, pretty girl.
happy in her own little world
happy in her own little world
and she says “i’m never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, i’m never ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, i’m never ever ever ever ever ever ever gunna unglue my lips from being together.”

(mariella – kate nash)

breakfast @ Lilly’s CafĂ©.

it’s funny how our relationship with our parents go through so many different phases.
when we’re children, we believe they know everything.
as teenagers, we believe they know nothing at all.
when we finally reach their age, we realize that they really didn’t know everything. we don’t know everything either.
nobody does.

happy birthday, mom.

you can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.

(the only thing really sad in this movie is to realize how much weight Julie Delpy has lost in 10 years. pro anorexia hollywood, unite and go to hell.)


girl from a tropical paradise living in a cold but beautiful little island between england and the normandy.

and that's her life in almost daily irrelevant photographs and stolen poetry.



October 2007
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